It hurts so good.

So I decided about two weeks ago that I was really going to get serious about exercising. I created my own little routine and everything. There is a basketball court down the street from my house, so I walk 5 laps around it, run 5 laps, and then do 20 sit ups. I repeat this process 2-4 times, depending on how I feel.

I really hate running. It hurts every part of my body. My lungs want to collapse and it feels like someone is chipping away at my shin bones with an ice pick. It's always been this way, since I was a wee child. I can walk briskly, do cart wheels, lift weights, swim for hours, roller blade up a steep hill, bike from eureka to the intersection of ludlam and bird and back..... but running. it sucks.

So why, you ask, am I choosing to partake in such an activity as running, if I don't enjoy it?

Well, because I know it's good for me. I know that it will better my health and overall well being. It may not feel good at the time and at moments be outright painful, but the results are so rewarding. At the end of that fifth lap, I am breathless and in pathetic pain but at the same time joyful because I am experiencing a glimpse of the end result.

Which brings me to the life lesson. God has a paradise waiting for us, but we choose to play in the puddle ( illustration often used by Jesse Carbo). The decision to go after Paradise is so often unattractive, and we feel the work we must do to get there will be too hard, so we settle. The puddle may not necessarily be bad; in fact it could be good. But it's not great. It's not best. I'ts not paradise.

So what is the solution for this situation, this lack of motivation? (I think that's a John Reuben lyric- ha)

Well the best answer I have come up with is to ask God for the motivation.

Perhaps the most obvious of answers. But then, if so obvious, why don't we partake in such a beautiful action as entering into conversation with the creator of motivation itself who loves us and delights in doing us good? He wants more than anything for us to fully experience the Paradise, so why wouldn't He do everything in His power to help us get there?

Oh it is so simple. But we have to want it. We have to love Him with a wholeness that is not afraid of the sweat and tears that may result from the hard work. the pain.


So this is for you Mary. And for me. This is for all of my friends and everyone I love. It's for everyone who I am working on loving. It's for anyone who reads.

You can do it. For the Bible tells us so.



I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:!3

I have no creative title for this post.

First, I must get one singular frustrating thought off my mind: apparently in west palm beach, its permissible for senior citizens to roll through stop signs. 

Ok. Now that i have gotten that off of my chest, on to more lovely things. I just enjoyed a nice trip to the intercoastal with Jess. She rode her bike (which is a smashing shade of baby blue) and I kicked it old school and skateboarded barefoot. 

We'll call it a bike-n-skate. 

We did some bible reading (James chapter 2), mulled over a few "what-if's" and had a thought provoking conversation. It was good. It reminded me of our freshmen year in college when we were passionate about everything and the thought of being radical wasn't so far off. One time in particular, we read this book called "Red Moon Rising." It's excellent, and I highly recommend it. Anyways, it moved us so deeply that we felt we must start a 24/7 prayer room at our church. Countless hours of prayers, conversations and vision casting went into it (Yes Jesse- I look back now and realize that I was a vision caster 24/7). Looking back, I really cant believe how passionate we became and how in our minds, nothing was going to stop us. Needless to say, our church wasn't really into it.

Prayer? Non-stop? 

Who needs that when we have an invigorating prayer meeting every wednesday from 6 to 7?

(I hope you detect the sarcasm-emphasis on the adjective)

Today we were discussing the difficulties of being a radical back in Biblical Days and in todays context. Was it harder back then than it is now? Was it easier? How can you compare the struggles of persecution back then and the plague of comfort today? What CAN we compare and contrast, and in the end does it really mean giving up our lives entirely to see change take place, both then and now? What examples can we look at, both biblical and non-biblical that give us these answers?

We still want to be radicals, and in some ways we already are. But what is the journey going to look like and how far can we/are willing to go to live love?

This is where I would like to open it up for discussion. We came up with some answers, but I would love to hear yours. A collaboration of ideas, thoughts, scriptures, revelations and dreams are welcomed. 

Oh How He Loves Us.

i went for a walk this morning. as i was turning off of Canna onto Elderberry, I looked up and a plane was in the process of writing "Jesus Loves U" in the sky. I became, shall I say, EXCITED! and decided to run the the Hendrix house and tell them to come outside.


I ask this question: What does that man/woman have that woke him/her up this morning and compelled them to get in the plane and tell Davenport that Jesus loves them?

What was it that happened in me when I saw it that convinced me to run all the way to the Hendrix house to show them?

If you know me at all, you know that I don't run. I mean, I really can't run, and it's pathetic. My entire body hurts and I feel as though I am going into cardiac arrest. Don't judge me.

But something bigger in me told me to run anyway, a fire that pushed me to go faster because there was a message so good that it had to be shared with someone else.


God, give us the passion that dwells in the soul of that man/woman that feels it necessary to paint the sky with your truth.

I'm craving.

A little under two hours ago, I had a __________  encounter with Jesus. The reason why I fail to describe the encounter is because i really cannot muster up a word in the English vocabulary that would even begin to suffice. Nor does talking about the encounter in a blog give it any justice. If, at all, it must be discussed, said conversation must be done in person. But for now, this is what I give to you:

There you are.

Finally.

Let's just sit.

I have so many questions.

But for now,

Let's just be.

Jesus,

I need a hug. 

No.

I need a body squeeze.

Tears spill from my eyes,

And I know that's strange.

But I am just so happy.

Because for too long,

I have been desperate to taste and see.

Oh to taste and see.

This is the best sit I have ever had.

Your love is strong.

Nothing was more satisfying yesterday than Riley falling asleep in my arms. I found it to be one of the most worshipful moments of my week.

Last night I sat in my bed with the dim light glowing as i read the introduction to Thomas Merton's A BOOK OF HOURS. Just the beginning put me into such a peaceful state that I fell asleep and woke up a few minutes later smiling.

I woke up smiling. God is so good.


My South Carolina journey last week really gave me an opportunity to reflect on my life, the paths God has had and is putting me on, and where i fit in in the roots community. i learned alot.

*its amazing how good it feels to be respected and treated like the woman I was made to be. It really redefines who you want to be apart of your life.

*we need to pray. and pray hard. and pray more than ever.



I guess that about sums it up.

Jesus is for lovers...

... and I'm finally one of them. shall we start from the beginning?


Saturday night Jesse, Mary and I had a talk that really opened my eyes to something I was lacking. At the time, I was not sure what that 'lack there of' was, but i was definitely unsettled. Mary and I decided to go to Status Sunday night. They were starting a new series called "Church=X"...hmmm.
In a very small nutshell: if I don't have a burden for my city, then something is wrong and I either need to fix it or go home. After hearing that I took the Lord's supper and asked for a renewal of the soul and a burning love for the people of Haines City. The band then started playing "God of this City." Hmmmm.... coincidence?

NAH.

A rush of electricity went up and down my body as I sang along, and all of a sudden I felt that burden that had been missing this whole time.


Monday I decided that I was going to drive down to Haines City everyday and pray and walk (and scoot on the great yellow scooter) until God speaks His plan. So off I went. I drove around for a while and prayed through the neighborhoods and for the people behind the walls of the houses. It became very emotional, and the tear ducts were working overtime. It started to rain, and I figured I should roll my window up and just go home, but something stopped me and told me to walk.

So I did.

I got out of my car and walked in the rain.

One of the best decisions I've made in a long time. It felt better than any shower I have ever taken. The best way to describe it is that I really felt God loving me through water falling on my face and soaking through my clothes. I came to the end of this street, and saw that there was a path leading down to an unknown location. I walked down this path and ended up in this huge field. Standing there in the wet, overgrown grass with the sound of thunder and the touch of rain on my skin was overwhelming. I really cannot properly describe the feeling. But all I could do was cry and laugh at the same time. I turned around and right in front of me, in the middle of this field were three paths leading back up to the street. The one of my left was all sand. The one on my right was dark and crooked and it had garbage on it. The one in the middle was clean, narrow and straight.

Talk about scripture literally jumping out of the pages and into life.

I knelt down and in the mud let God take over and love me. And then I walked up the middle path. It felt so good.

Yesterday I took the scooter and buzzed (like a bee-literally) around Haines City for 4 hours. I took pictures, met a nice man named Roofus, discovered a Christian Coffee shop, found a tea set that was destined for me, and experienced the sunshine.

All I could think was, "I am a human being again." I am comfortable in the very skin that God so passionately placed me in. And thinks I'm beautiful in. And loves me in.



Tonight I should have been sad and disappointed. But I wasn't. I am happy and excited for my friend. It makes me smile to experience someone wanting to follow God.

I walked from the mall doors to my car, and in those few short moments I was connected and it was, as Mary puts it, ORGASMIC. Yea I said it. The wind was intoxicating, and I felt that if I didnt have a car to get into or a bed to go sleep in that it would be completely ok.


Tonight the moon spoke volumes of its Creator, and that's all I needed.

If these are life's lessons, she will take the test

So I've been alone for a little over 24 hours now. And you know what?

I haven't fallen apart. This is a first, so GO GOD.

I have always been an independent person. But only when I have chosen to be. I can be alone-sure. But when it's in my best interest. I, Me, My. Gaggg. 

Sometimes I am going to have to be alone outside of my own choice. And I think God has shown me that I need to be more than ok with that. I need to be joyful in it. He wants me to be so overwhelmingly in love with Him, that being alone means more time with Him, and when has that ever been a bad thing? I guess it's always been a drag for me. Until now.

In the past 24 hours, I have felt the need for Him deep down in my soul more than ever, and I think I actually believe it now. VICTORY! but not for me, for Him. I believe that I need Jesus. 

Yesterday I was upset because I had no gas in my car and only 3 dollars in my wallet, which wont even get me a gallon of juice, let alone a gallon of gas. I was upset that I was stuck in the house. My mom put a gas card and a Publix card in the mail, and it should have arrived this morning. It didn't.

Today I still have no gas in my car and I still only have 3 dollars in my wallet. 

And I am so happy.

1 Thessalonians 4:3

Last night I was reading July 22 in My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers. 

Side note: I have been doing a 40 day fast, and yesterday was day 28. After 28 days, your body starts to get used to the deprivation of food, and for the most part you carry on your life as normal; and that was the problem. Yet again, I forgot that I needed Jesus. That I will ALWAYS need Jesus.

So anyways, I am reading, and the subject of the day is sanctification. What a word. Dictionary.com defines sanctification as the act of purifying or freeing from sin; to make holy, set apart as sacred; consecrate. In the American Christian church, at least where I come from, it's just another one of those big words that we read aloud in sunday school and have small hopes to achieve, because well, we don't understand what it means. Well last night, I think God reveal to me a SMIDGEN of what it means to be sanctified. And uhh..... it's a scary thought.

Here's a snippit of what Oswald says:

"In the process of sanctification, the Spirit of God will strip me down until there is nothing left but myself, and that is the place of death. Am I willing to be myself and nothing more? Am I willing to have no friends, no father, no brother, and no self interest-simply to be ready for death? That is the condition required for sanctification. No wonder Jesus said, "I did not come to bring peace but a sword" (Matthew 10:34). This is where the battle comes, and where so many of us falter. We refused to be identified with the death of Jesus Christ on this point. We say, "But this is so strict. Surely He does not require that of me." Our Lord is strict, and He does require that of us. 

Am I willing to reduce myself down to simply "me?" Am I determined enough to strip myself of all that my friends think of me, and all that I think of myself? Am I willing and determined to hand over my simple naked self to God? Once I am, He will immediately sanctify me completely, and my life will be free from being determined and persistent toward anything except God (see 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24)."

I mean really, does that sound at all like what we learned in Sunday school? Nope. It means so much more than, at present, I want to understand. Last night I prayed that God would somehow bring me to a place where I am willing to do this; to be sanctified. 

This morning I woke up with a cold. Scratch that- the influenza of death (that's me being a little melodramatic). My throat was almost swollen shut, my head was pounding, and I had a pretty high fever (that I am serious about). My whole body ached, and I felt so weak, due mainly to the fasting. Aunt Flo also decided to stop by for a visit as well (sorry guys). I moped around for a while, periodically saying that "I wanted my mommy." Then I did what I always do when I am extremely sick- I turned the shower on to scalding, and stood in the bathtub for a very long time. I know that I should be taking a cold shower, because it will help to break the fever, but the hot water felt so much better (wow-even as i type now, I am noticing some parallels that I didn't see before...who knew?). I was thinking of all the different ways I could try and get better, and then like a ton of bricks; (sorry for the cliche-but you get the point) I NEED JESUS! I started crying and talking to God in the shower like a little child. I asked him over and over to release this illness from my body so that I can- and then I changed my train of thought. What I was going to say was, "so that I can be proactive and find a job today." Instead I said, " so that I can tell everyone that I need You." I pleaded for God to just touch me once and make all the physical pain go away, but nothing happened. I turned the water to cold, got down on my knees (yes, I am still in the shower) and starting singing to Him, hoping that He would have some mercy on my throbbing temples. Nothing happened. I turned off the water and stood there for a moment thinking. And WABOW! Another realization. The past few days I have gotten so used to not eating that I haven't really conversed with God, let alone read or spent any time in his presence. He was allowing this sickness for a reason. I went into my room, laid down in my bed, and closed my eyes. What a glorious God. And even now, it's crazy for me to say that, because I am sick and I want him to make me feel better. But I don't, and that's right where he wants me. He wants me to NEED Him more than anything else. Even if that means confining me to the house, keeping me in my bed (with no working cable or dvd player in the room-we cant get the remote to work.... coincidence? I think not), and making me lay there in silence. In his presence.

Michelle walked into the room and told me that she was thinking about going home tomorrow for a few days. Jesse and Anitra are also traveling home tomorrow as well, so that gives me two opportunities to go home tomorrow and see my family, who I miss so much. I could also see Jessica who just got back from Japan. I could be in a familiar place, and have a nice time surrounding myself with everything and everyone I love. But deep down in my soul, God was saying no. He was saying, "stay in this huge house alone- strip yourself of everything you think you need and love and want and let me work on you." 

God has taken my soul the past few weeks and slaughtered it- and it hurts so good. It's like getting a tattoo- the pain is frustrating and at some points it hurts a lot, but at the same time it feels kinda good because you know it's going to look amazing when it's finished (yes, me and my tiny tattoo can testify to this experience). 

I never realized my human struggle until this fasting experience. I've never been wealthy or have had everything I have ever wanted, but really in proportion to the rest of the world, I am a Princess. And until now, this Princess has always had a full tummy. There was no struggle, really, that I saw (with the exception of the few times in my life God has revealed the struggle to me). But this is a whole new playing field. It's amazing the reality you see when something you think you need, and oh so badly want, is removed from your life. 

I dont really know how to end this, but all I have to say is that for tonight, I need Jesus.