Living of Love.

For just one chance to find
Love was someone that you loved to find
For just the sense to try
To walk ahead and leave the pain behind
If the days aren’t easy and the nights are rough
When they ask you what you’re thinking of
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love

Your heart says not again
What kind of mess have you got me in
But when the feelings there
It can lift you up and take you anywhere
But the gravel beneath you and the limbs above
If anybody asks you where your coming from
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love

Say yes we live uncertainty
And disappointments have to be
And everyday we might be facing more
And yes we live in desperate times
But fading words and shaking rhymes
There’s only one thing here worth hoping for
With Lucifer beneath you and God above
If either one of them asks you what your living of
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love


- The Avett Brothers

WHOA! dream big.

I have messy hair. It's just how I am. Even when I try to make it nice, it ends up messy. I like my messy hair, and I like doing weird things with it. I enjoy finding new ways to use bobby pins and clips and I don't care if it looks silly, because if I like it, no one elses opinion matters.

Lately I haven't been my messy-haired self. I straightened my hair one day for whatever reason, and it just looked too boring to me. It didn't look like my hair. But I went to work with it straight anyway.


A cute boy that I work with thought it looked pretty. He told me so, and he kept staring at me all throughout the shift.

I've been straightening my hair since. Even though I don't particularly like it.


Last night my hair was curly. And after an hour, it was back to being the mess that it usually is. That cute boy told me that when I am around him, I should wear it straight.

Because to him, I look pretty when it's straight.


What am I doing?
I know it sounds silly and a bit trivial.
But why am I compromising who I am to fit into someone else's idea of beauty?
Even if it's just my hair.


"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

- Mac MacGuff

I love the movie Juno, and this quote is one of the many reasons why it has become a favorite of mine.


I know there is a person out there who loves me for exactly who I am. He will think I am beautiful whether my hair is straight, curly, dreaded, dirty, clipped up, cut short, etc.


I must be myself.
Because it starts with the hair. And then it's the body, the ideals, the beliefs.
A compromising snow ball.


No snow balls for me.
I'm keeping my messy hair.

One day His love will be stronger than my fears.

There are days when I really feel like money, or lack their of, is drowning me.

I am drowning in a large pool of non-money.
I guess a better word for non-money would be our favorite word of all:


BILLS.


Can I just be honest and say that I am completely helpless. I really have no idea what to do, other than wait and see what small miracle will reveal itself to me this day, or maybe the next....

or maybe tomorrow.


I am so out of control. I really am. Control is 100 percent out of my hands this time.
Or perhaps it has always been, but I just don't see it until now.


I have a roof over my head. I have a bed to sleep in. I have food in the refrigerator. There is running water coming out of the faucets. All my extremities are working correctly. I have clothing on my body. The lights are working.


I will be ok for today. He promises.
I wish my bird was more visible to me.

26 "Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Matthew 6:26-34

Of all the days in the year of 2009.

me vs myself
woman vs herself
megan vs megan
purity vs passion
mind vs heart
soul vs belief
beauty vs vanity
love vs lust
black and white vs gray
quality vs quantity
thought vs impulse
this road vs that road
this choice vs that choice
evil vs good
good vs best
questions vs answers

Give me the answers God. Please. I beg.
A moments rest.

This has been me the past few weeks, more intensely the past few days.
Split completely down the middle.



Torn between..... well that's irrelevant.

Smalls. He was not the greatest baseball player. But Benny "the jet" Rodriguez refused to give up on him. A few tries, and Smalls finally got it. The great Hambino, Squince, Tommy and Timmy and the rest of the gang decided "he's alright."

Sandlot. What a great movie. So many life truth's are portrayed.

Wow. I was just going to parallel how Smalls had to pickle the beast with my current situation, but then I remembered another scene in the movie. A scene that does more than parallel. It solves my dilemma.

Benny: Fine, fine, FINE! Be like 'dat. So what are we gunna do?
Gang: (collectively) GET POOL HONEYS!!

Squince made a huge decision that day when they all went to the community pool. He was in love with Wendy Peffercorn and he just could not keep it to himself for one more day. She was twice his age and gorgeous, but it didn't matter to him. He was going to let her know whether she liked it or not. For those of you who haven't seen the movie or need a refresher, let me share. Wendy was a lifeguard, and Squince was not able to swim in the deep end. Ahh... remember now? He jumps off the diving board into the deep end and pretends to drown. Wendy jumps in after him and ends up giving him mouth to mouth resusitation. Squince suprises everyone and lays a huge kiss on her.

This next part is my favorite.

She gets so mad that she drags him off of the pool grounds and bans him and the rest of the Sandlot crew from the community pool. He stands at the gate and cries a little, staring up at her on her lifeguard tower. She looks down upon him, shakes her head, smiles and waves. He smiles and waves back, and runs off to join his buddies.

Later on in life, Squince and Wendy get married. And have....is it ten kids?

Something like that.


He did what he needed to do, even if that meant rejection. Which it did, at first. But he was ok with that. He was satisfied. He smiled and moved on.


I HAVE GOT to do what I need to do. I MUST obey my God.

I HAVE TO TELL HIM.
Even if that means I have to jump in the deep end and pretend to drown.



(In my case, it means getting on a plane)