Last night I was reading July 22 in
My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers.
Side note: I have been doing a 40 day fast, and yesterday was day 28. After 28 days, your body starts to get used to the deprivation of food, and for the most part you carry on your life as normal; and that was the problem. Yet again, I forgot that I needed Jesus. That I will ALWAYS need Jesus.
So anyways, I am reading, and the subject of the day is sanctification. What a word. Dictionary.com defines sanctification as the act of purifying or freeing from sin; to make holy, set apart as sacred; consecrate. In the American Christian church, at least where I come from, it's just another one of those big words that we read aloud in sunday school and have small hopes to achieve, because well, we don't understand what it means. Well last night, I think God reveal to me a SMIDGEN of what it means to be sanctified. And uhh..... it's a scary thought.
Here's a snippit of what Oswald says:
"In the process of sanctification, the Spirit of God will strip me down until there is nothing left but myself, and that is the place of death. Am I willing to be myself and nothing more? Am I willing to have no friends, no father, no brother, and no self interest-simply to be ready for death? That is the condition required for sanctification. No wonder Jesus said, "I did not come to bring peace but a sword" (Matthew 10:34). This is where the battle comes, and where so many of us falter. We refused to be identified with the death of Jesus Christ on this point. We say, "But this is so strict. Surely He does not require that of me." Our Lord is strict, and He does require that of us.
Am I willing to reduce myself down to simply "me?" Am I determined enough to strip myself of all that my friends think of me, and all that I think of myself? Am I willing and determined to hand over my simple naked self to God? Once I am, He will immediately sanctify me completely, and my life will be free from being determined and persistent toward anything except God (see 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24)."
I mean really, does that sound at all like what we learned in Sunday school? Nope. It means so much more than, at present, I want to understand. Last night I prayed that God would somehow bring me to a place where I am willing to do this; to be sanctified.
This morning I woke up with a cold. Scratch that- the influenza of death (that's me being a little melodramatic). My throat was almost swollen shut, my head was pounding, and I had a pretty high fever (that I am serious about). My whole body ached, and I felt so weak, due mainly to the fasting. Aunt Flo also decided to stop by for a visit as well (sorry guys). I moped around for a while, periodically saying that "I wanted my mommy." Then I did what I always do when I am extremely sick- I turned the shower on to scalding, and stood in the bathtub for a very long time. I know that I should be taking a cold shower, because it will help to break the fever, but the hot water felt so much better (wow-even as i type now, I am noticing some parallels that I didn't see before...who knew?). I was thinking of all the different ways I could try and get better, and then like a ton of bricks; (sorry for the cliche-but you get the point) I NEED JESUS! I started crying and talking to God in the shower like a little child. I asked him over and over to release this illness from my body so that I can- and then I changed my train of thought. What I was going to say was, "so that I can be proactive and find a job today." Instead I said, " so that I can tell everyone that I need You." I pleaded for God to just touch me once and make all the physical pain go away, but nothing happened. I turned the water to cold, got down on my knees (yes, I am still in the shower) and starting singing to Him, hoping that He would have some mercy on my throbbing temples. Nothing happened. I turned off the water and stood there for a moment thinking. And WABOW! Another realization. The past few days I have gotten so used to not eating that I haven't really conversed with God, let alone read or spent any time in his presence. He was allowing this sickness for a reason. I went into my room, laid down in my bed, and closed my eyes. What a glorious God. And even now, it's crazy for me to say that, because I am sick and I want him to make me feel better. But I don't, and that's right where he wants me. He wants me to NEED Him more than anything else. Even if that means confining me to the house, keeping me in my bed (with no working cable or dvd player in the room-we cant get the remote to work.... coincidence? I think not), and making me lay there in silence. In his presence.
Michelle walked into the room and told me that she was thinking about going home tomorrow for a few days. Jesse and Anitra are also traveling home tomorrow as well, so that gives me two opportunities to go home tomorrow and see my family, who I miss so much. I could also see Jessica who just got back from Japan. I could be in a familiar place, and have a nice time surrounding myself with everything and everyone I love. But deep down in my soul, God was saying no. He was saying, "stay in this huge house alone- strip yourself of everything you think you need and love and want and let me work on you."
God has taken my soul the past few weeks and slaughtered it- and it hurts so good. It's like getting a tattoo- the pain is frustrating and at some points it hurts a lot, but at the same time it feels kinda good because you know it's going to look amazing when it's finished (yes, me and my tiny tattoo can testify to this experience).
I never realized my human struggle until this fasting experience. I've never been wealthy or have had everything I have ever wanted, but really in proportion to the rest of the world, I am a Princess. And until now, this Princess has always had a full tummy. There was no struggle, really, that I saw (with the exception of the few times in my life God has revealed the struggle to me). But this is a whole new playing field. It's amazing the reality you see when something you think you need, and oh so badly want, is removed from your life.
I dont really know how to end this, but all I have to say is that for tonight, I need Jesus.
