The Redbox.

I have found a new annoyance.
A pet peeve if you will.


Nothing has become more frustrating than getting out of my what is now a 2006 Kia Rio to rent a movie from the glorious redbox, and the most indecisive person God could have created is in front of me.

Lets make this person a male, and lets name him John Mark. Cause he would be a John Mark. John Mark is wearing cargo pants that are a sconch too short, tivas WITH socks, a superman logo t-shirt and sporting a 1993 haircut. You know exactly what I am talking about; a fresh 90's look, but still trying to stay true to the 80's kinda swagger.

There is a breeding ground somewhere for John Marks who hog the redbox.


So back to my grievance; John Mark stands there with his legs spread like he is bracing himself for Jane Fonda's intense pre-aerobic stretch, and scrolls through the list of movies with a blank stare. This stance shows me that he, along with myself, will be standing here for a while.

Oh p.s. at the redbox, time stops. It no longer exists the way it normally should. When you are standing on redbox grounds, you are on redbox time. So what really is only about 3 minutes in normal world time, could feel like 23 minutes in redbox time.

And I'm sorry, but that is just way too much time. If I wanted to take 23 minutes to rent a movie, I would go to block buster (which I probably never will again because I owe them 32 dollars). But no, I choose the redbox because it is fast and convenient. Or atleast it's SUPPOSED to be.

So there I am, staring at the back of this man with impatience. At some point I pull out my phone with the intent to send a text of complaint to Jessi, as if she can do anything about this situation. Poor Jessi.

I start to shift legs and sigh and tilt my head the way people do at the DMV. But then I realize that this isn't the DMV, this is the redbox. And then I feel a slight twinge of guilt for being so impatient, followed by a heart of thanksgiving that I am nowhere near a Department of Motor Vehicles.

It could be worse.

This new attitude of gratitude (ha-ya like that one?) lifts my spirits and it almost makes me want to enter into a dialogue with Mr. John Mark cargo pants. I mean there is a plethora of topics we could discuss as we both share this movie renting experience. Maybe I could even aid in his decision.

And as I attempt to start off with some witty comment, He hits cancel on the touch screen and walks to his car, with his head hanging low in defeat, as if to say "I have failed."


I stand there with that all too familiar "what the hell?!" look on my face. Did he really just waste 23, I mean 3 minutes of my time? We're all efforts, both John Mark's attempts to choose a film and my feeble go at finding patience and compassion, all in vain?


John Mark, we both deserve better.

melodies that have yet to be.

there's so much music inside.
i have to get it out.
why can't i just make it flow?



no reservations.
just play it.
just sing it.
just love it.
just be it.





just.
be.
it.

Exactly.

I suppose I will never be good enough. Even for those whom I think would have thought I was.

But I'm going to daily decide that not being good enough is ok.


In fact, I'm throwing 'good enough' out of the window.
I'm just going to be exactly who I am, and sometimes exactly who I am might be great.
And other times it might be difficult.
There will be times when exactly who I am will be mean and spiteful.
Sometimes free and happy.
A time or two when it will be completely broken.
Even gross.
Yes, gross.
Silly.
Tired.
Beautiful.
Loving.
Jelous.
Hopeful.
Bitter.
Anxious.
Apathetic.
Joyful.
Sick.
(a short list as to not be exhaustive).



There is one thing, though, that I hope will remain a constant among the variables of exactly who I am.

My passion to chase after this love that Jesus allows me to taste each day.
Man, it's good stuff.



Maybe there will be a person who will accept all of this about me. Who will love me for, and in spite of, exactly who I am.

That would be pretty sweet.
But if not, it's ok.

Living of Love.

For just one chance to find
Love was someone that you loved to find
For just the sense to try
To walk ahead and leave the pain behind
If the days aren’t easy and the nights are rough
When they ask you what you’re thinking of
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love

Your heart says not again
What kind of mess have you got me in
But when the feelings there
It can lift you up and take you anywhere
But the gravel beneath you and the limbs above
If anybody asks you where your coming from
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love

Say yes we live uncertainty
And disappointments have to be
And everyday we might be facing more
And yes we live in desperate times
But fading words and shaking rhymes
There’s only one thing here worth hoping for
With Lucifer beneath you and God above
If either one of them asks you what your living of
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love
Say love, say for me love


- The Avett Brothers

WHOA! dream big.

I have messy hair. It's just how I am. Even when I try to make it nice, it ends up messy. I like my messy hair, and I like doing weird things with it. I enjoy finding new ways to use bobby pins and clips and I don't care if it looks silly, because if I like it, no one elses opinion matters.

Lately I haven't been my messy-haired self. I straightened my hair one day for whatever reason, and it just looked too boring to me. It didn't look like my hair. But I went to work with it straight anyway.


A cute boy that I work with thought it looked pretty. He told me so, and he kept staring at me all throughout the shift.

I've been straightening my hair since. Even though I don't particularly like it.


Last night my hair was curly. And after an hour, it was back to being the mess that it usually is. That cute boy told me that when I am around him, I should wear it straight.

Because to him, I look pretty when it's straight.


What am I doing?
I know it sounds silly and a bit trivial.
But why am I compromising who I am to fit into someone else's idea of beauty?
Even if it's just my hair.


"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

- Mac MacGuff

I love the movie Juno, and this quote is one of the many reasons why it has become a favorite of mine.


I know there is a person out there who loves me for exactly who I am. He will think I am beautiful whether my hair is straight, curly, dreaded, dirty, clipped up, cut short, etc.


I must be myself.
Because it starts with the hair. And then it's the body, the ideals, the beliefs.
A compromising snow ball.


No snow balls for me.
I'm keeping my messy hair.

One day His love will be stronger than my fears.

There are days when I really feel like money, or lack their of, is drowning me.

I am drowning in a large pool of non-money.
I guess a better word for non-money would be our favorite word of all:


BILLS.


Can I just be honest and say that I am completely helpless. I really have no idea what to do, other than wait and see what small miracle will reveal itself to me this day, or maybe the next....

or maybe tomorrow.


I am so out of control. I really am. Control is 100 percent out of my hands this time.
Or perhaps it has always been, but I just don't see it until now.


I have a roof over my head. I have a bed to sleep in. I have food in the refrigerator. There is running water coming out of the faucets. All my extremities are working correctly. I have clothing on my body. The lights are working.


I will be ok for today. He promises.
I wish my bird was more visible to me.

26 "Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Matthew 6:26-34

Of all the days in the year of 2009.

me vs myself
woman vs herself
megan vs megan
purity vs passion
mind vs heart
soul vs belief
beauty vs vanity
love vs lust
black and white vs gray
quality vs quantity
thought vs impulse
this road vs that road
this choice vs that choice
evil vs good
good vs best
questions vs answers

Give me the answers God. Please. I beg.
A moments rest.

This has been me the past few weeks, more intensely the past few days.
Split completely down the middle.



Torn between..... well that's irrelevant.